S04, Episode 2: Blue Peter Badges

British institutions and day trips...

‘Mummy! Mummy! mummmmmmmmmmmm…owww” Daisy’s last cry is cut off with a muffling smother courtesy of Lily’s hand clamped down on her mouth.

Attempting to prize Lily’s hand from Daisy’s face I ascertain that all hell has broken loose, once again, because Lily is a tyrant.

Look, I’ve been a mother long enough to accept the unspoken truth that all children are tyrants - whatever stage they are at. My eldest is just more of a tyrant than most. But for once I’d really love her not to be. It’s 930 am and I need wine already. Bugger.

There is a hallowed British institution for those of a certain age - that of the Blue Peter Badge. This elusive item was coveted by children across this sceptred isle. Blue Peter was a children’s television program which has lodged in the British psyche with its idiosyncratic wholesome nature. The aforementioned ‘badge’ was something that could be attained through great cunning. Or apparently, great talent - to my chagrin I was never awarded one. Children up and down the land would submit works of varying precocious skill in the hope that they would qualify for this magical item. This item bestowed the wearer entry to historic sites, museums and other such frivolities for FREE. Yes, free.

The up-to-date version means that even the most appalling glitter bestrewn mush of papier mache can gain one. In fact, anyone under 14 can submit and will be awarded just ‘cos. But the reward for parents is awesome…FREE entry to lots of places that otherwise would need a second mortgage to afford. Makes the impending summer holidays seem bearable.

I suggest to my darlings that if they make something lovely we could send it to the Blue Peter studios and they will send us a magic badge in return. This was met with joy from Daisy and scepticism from Lily. Once I explained that we could go to castles where they had archery and jousting, Lily was on board. Death is always a good sales technique with her.

I set them up with craft bits, paint and even the dreaded glitter. Ready, steady, …carnage!

‘She can’t make glittery flowers!’ Lily attempting to smother her sister again.

‘Why not, darling?’

‘Because it’s nothing to do with castles or history!’

‘It doesn’t have to be, it can be anything. Besides, there is a nature section….a green - Blue Peter Badge.’

‘Glitter isn’t NATURE!’ Lily is triumphant.

Oh, god, can it be over? I contemplate submitting something myself just to stop the chaos. Mind you it would be just my luck to be the only person not to get accepted.

Eventually, I managed to create a vague sort of calm by letting Lily watch yet another documentary on wolves and Daisy dress up in my scarves. Those scarves were returned with a permanent smear of glitter.

All this madness has a purpose. It’s their birthday in a few weeks. Yes, they share a birthday, but no they aren’t twins, there are four years between them. Yes - two birthdays on the very same day - clever me. Arg. It is a monumental task to appease both their very different characters. We have discovered that events like going to the zoo and Highland Wildlife Park are the most harmonious. And that is where the Blue Peter Badge comes in…free entry!

Yes, I know I’m cutting it fine. There seems no way to order my brain to be more on top of stuff. My school gate friends all seem to be able to navigate the endless dates, clubs, projects, fundraisers, and school shows with ease. I used to be a whizz at this -but now? Well, now I’m probably just hormonal. Or exhausted. I feel exhausted all the time. Maybe it’s the bone stuff - who knows?

‘Mum!!!’ Lily yells shattering my morning coffee moment of peace. ‘MUM!!! The post is here and there’s something for me!’

A letter is always a delight to Lily. She rips it open with her teeth because of course wolves don’t open letters any other way. Daisy points out that ordinarily, wolves don’t get letters. This prompts a growl from Lily.

Then a squeal of joy, she has been awarded the badge! The long-suffering staff of the BBC centre seem to genuinely pay attention to all the crap they get through the post and send a personalised reply. Naturally, this leads to a lip quiver from Daisy who has no post. Oh shit. Surely they aren’t going to deny her a badge just because she is an environmental glitter hazard? Or maybe it’s got lost in the post? I humpft to myself, it’s all gone to the dogs, used to be reliable in my day etc.

Thankfully the next morning Daisy’s letter arrives, good ol’ Royal Mail I never doubted you. She is delighted and plans to make more glitter art as she seems to feel she has a willing audience in the BBC admin department. Oh dear, I have created a monster.

Phew, thanks to quirky British institutions I have harmony in my house for a few hours.

Lily’s letter - Daisy’s is probably melting under glue & glitter